Babbles of a hormonal and upset time

I am a seriously mentally disturbed mess. Today is November 11th, making it exactly one month until my 18th birthday. Is that scary? I think its scary mostly because it's undeniable. There is no way to make the aging process stop working. I get older with every second that I sit here typing my thoughts out into cyberspace. I don't feel like an adult. I don't feel responsible and I can't make sense of all my thoughts. I don't feel in control of my future or actions. Mostly because I don't feel in control of myself.

I used to have this joke that I would kill myself at 29 because thats the last young year. It's my last year with out wrinkles or gray hair and its the last year that I'll be flexible, young, and alive.

I am diagnosing myself as clinically depressed. I'm turning 18 and all I can think about is ending all my relationships. Whats wrong with me? What kind of sick person wants to end strongly built up relationships and build themselves into a corner. I want to reform my lifestyle and set my priorities straight, but thats incredibly difficult to do primarily because I spend so many nights with out any sleep. The people I consider to be the most important in my life also have problems of their own, and in this incredibly priveledged world with so many opportunities, luxuries, conveniences and allowances... the kind that are supposed to make life easier... all I feel is alone, hurt, mentally disturbed. I think it might all be tied to my own self concept. Im not happy with myself and that is tied to my high school and my weight. I gave up dancing along with any excercise I ever got and Im feeling worse and worse by the minute. It's my senior year and everyhting is supposed to be wonderful. But all I feel is inscreadibly dissappointed with everything going on around me. And for the first time in my life... I dont have a solution. I dont know how to deal with it. Im overworked and I dont know how to fix it. Im doing terribly in school and no one can help me. Im underslept and I cant get exercise. My life seriously needs to be changed and I dont know how to do that. I think I now understand emo kids. I think wat i need is a math tutor, a therapist, a less demanding job, a bf that doesnt have problems in his own life, and a best friend who isnt a self centered bitch her entire life.